Spiderman's worst story ever
by Hadeben
Summary: MJ tricks spiderman's beans , read it read it read it read it! Update: An epic story 10 years in the making! Peter Parker and our mysterious female protagonist blow up New York after a night of heavy drinking.
1. its party time!

Spiderman: "the funeral"  
  
It started that night of February 31, the sun was shining as a big star, full of radiactive energy. I remeber being a tini bit drunk that night. Ugghh i hate being drunk... hey were's my tequila? Oh i got it in my hand. Anyway...  
  
"Mary Jane, you want orange juice or milk?"  
  
Peter Parker and I were at this party, it was so boring I wish I had followed this guy with black mask and black clothes he looked cool, and besides i gave him 50 bucks and tomorrow he is coming back with 100 for me!, talk about making great deals.  
  
"Umm... how 'bout a tequila for big ol' Mary here?!"  
  
"I cant give you any more tequilas you finished them" and there he was with one of the worst expressions ive seen in my whole life, Peter was such a moron. "What? How many were they" my question was magnificent ive never seen much beauty in some words.  
  
"8 tequilas" crappy answer. "And how many did I drank?"  
  
"8 tequilas" megacrappy answer " And how many did I drank?"-" 8 tequilas"-" and you say I drank 9?"-" no, i said 8"- "you said 9"-"I said 8"- "you said 10"  
  
3 hours later there we sat, in a big roun' table with 4 corners.Drinking our tequilas. "So, Mady Janes"-"what?" - "Theres this secretely secret I have to tell you" - "wait, wait, dont tell me, you are SpidermaN"- "WELL YEAH!, how did you know?" - "Peter there this thing about girls, you see, we go to mens closets to see their clothes, and either you were a megafreak with 10 customes of spiderman in your closet or you were spiderman"  
  
"yeah like I could be the megafreak"  
  
"Well yeah thats what i tought but now you just told me the painful truth"  
  
"what? What are you talking about, what painful truth?"  
  
In that same moment I took my Mj costume.  
  
"LA PD I work for that newspaper guy, Magic Johnson or something" 


	2. Peter's bigget secret

"Wha- when? How? What?"  
  
"I said... im a LA PD officer" oh that peter! always dumb always dumb always dumb.  
  
"You... you were Mary Jane!, and now you are this really...  
  
He looked at me as if I was this really hot supermodel. ...you are this really hot supermodel"- "oh yeah, doctors, surgery you know the thing".  
  
"oh!, so thats how you got the MJ costume!, with doctors and things like that!"  
  
-"Um... no, i killed her, thats her skin".  
  
"oh, OUCH,... so now that my girlfriend is dead, what do you say if we go on a date!"  
  
Yeah right... "In your dreams pal, now i know who Spiderman is, this story is going to be in all the world, theres no time to lose"  
  
"No!, No! You cant do that to me!"  
  
Oh that expression, the expression of lose, the expression of disaster, the expression of sucky life, he looked so pale I needed to cheer him up.  
  
"You dont have to worry that much, people will look at this other story i have" - What other story? "Theres this guy that lives with his aunt, what i found is that he watches some cartoons like "Gay-Arnold" he reads comics like "Lesbian-in-thecity!" He has some Teletubbies pajamas...  
  
3 hours later...  
  
... he is in love with his tennins teacher and he likes to eat banana quesadillas"  
  
he looked happy that this story was even worse than his secret, so he said:  
  
" Wow poor guy, whats his name again?"  
  
" Peter Porker" - "hmmm... its likeness to my name is amazing, lucky it isnt me!"  
  
"yeah take a look at it" i grabbed my notebook and gave it to him  
  
"see that,( i pointed at his name) thats his name, funny name isnt it?"  
  
-"OH MY GOD!" - "what?", why does he freak like this? -"thats not Peter Porker! Thats Peter Parker!" -"oh no..."  
  
-you dont have to worry! Its still too early i can still get that story off the newspaper" KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!  
  
Knocks were heard from the door, so I went and opened it.  
  
"yes?"  
  
Some strange looking kid was standing on the door.  
  
"newspaper" 


	3. The new plan

"Oh my God!"-Peter screamed. I was in awe myself, newspapers werent supposed to come out this early, but hey, I still didnt care about all this.

"I thought you said I still had a couple of hours before the newspaper came out!"

"Yeah, heh, looks like I was wrong..." I laughed. He got pretty mad after this. Then noticed the newspaper guy was still standing there waiting to get paid.

"So...um, where's my money?"

"GET OUT!"-screamed Peter.

This wasnt a situation I'd normally have fun in, but watching this loser suffering opened a different kind of humor I now enojoy alot. I call it "people suffering hilarity". But most people call it dark humor.

"So what am I gonna do!" Peter said.

"I do not know nor care, the news story about your lame ass secrets is coming out this morning, and tomorrow im unveiling youre spiderman. Cheers"

Peter Parker was incredibly mad by now, he started hitting the wall. The bleeding didnt stop him, he just wanted another kind of pain (on this case being physical, duh) to forget about his lame ass problems.

By that time I kinda started feeling sorry for him.

"So..um. Peter, maybe, I mean just maybeee. We could like burn every newspaper on this city and stuff."

Peter suddenly smiled widely. He literally started humping my leg like a little chihuahua dog. It was disgusting, the doctor had to cut my leg...Just kidding. But he did tell me it would might to come to that in a couple of years.

But after that, Peter and I got out to plan our new nespaper burning strategy. It wasnt going to be easy, obviously, as New York has millions of newspapers. And thousands of newspaper stands.

"A bomb..."Peter said.

Of course I understood what he said, but I still asked: "What?"

"We should totally blow up New York" he said.

I was surprised he could even come up with a plan this evil, he WAS Spiderman, afterall.

"Think about it, he said. With my Spiderman abilities, I can take thousands of pictures of people dying, suffering. You'll have a frontpage on every single newspaper on the world. All with yuour name. Think of the fame you could have. Screw Spiderman or Peter Parker. This, is the story God wants you to have".

Of course I was intrigued.

"Im in.".


	4. Spiderdog?

As Peter and I started walking through the city, looking for an atomic bomb, we kinda started talking about our life.

"...so, do you have a boyfriend?"

Peter's question didnt exactly bring out the best of me.

"No, and im not gonna date you, you piece of shit-crap-pussy-ass-bullshit-moron-stupid cunt."

Peter was shocked. Maybe no one had ever yelled at him like I did. But you know what...I still didnt care.

"Look. There's a weapons store in there. Maybe they have an atomic bomb." When I told Peter,I felt relieved. Maybe I could get rid of him in a couple of minutes...by shooting him in the head with a gun.

"Really? There? on "Tom's Weapons"?" He said

My God, cant he ever shut the hell up?

"Yes, you idiot. There. Just get in"

Then as we got there we realized it was still too early for the store to open. (seriously why are you still reading this?)

"Yo Spidey, you're gonna need to break that window over there. The store doesnt open for a couple hours"

As spiderman broke the window, some stupid dog started jumping up and down across the street.

I didnt put any attention to him, not knowing it would later ruin my life.

"So..where could those atomic bombs be?"

"Gee I dont know Peter...maybe they could be over that closet. Could you go check there?"

"Sure!" he said. Poor idiot, he didnt know he was about to lose his life for being so annoying.

As Peter entered the closet I quickly grabbed a machine gun. I knew what I was about to do.

Im no killer, but this time, I didnt really care.

I waited for Peter to come out...I waited...waited...waited. There he was...

"Hey Peter"

"Huh?"

"die you little fuckbag"

But as I was about to shoot the fucking dog came jumping through the window and took my weapon.

"Who the crap are you!"

And as things started getting interesting...Peter said

"Spiderdog! you're here!"

Ah crap.


	5. Dog bites girl

Nothing made sense as I lay on the ground holding my machine dog, "Spiderdog" right in front of me, staring at my face. The face of a murderer. I could see it in its eyes. Spiderdog knew I had almost killed Peter.

He ran over to hold the big dog. "Spiderdog! Spiderdog! Wow! How did you get here buddy? How did you find me?"

The dog kept staring at me. And Peter kept staring at it. "Uh-huh… uh-huh… oh you big boy! You followed my scent, didn't you! You big boy! Big boy!"

I stood up. Moved around. The dog turned. His eyes following my every move.

"Aww! I think Spiderdog likes you!"

The dog gritted its teeth. Was it about to attack me? Or was I just going crazy?

"Come on! Get closer! Pet him! Pet him! Pet Spiderdog!"

"I'm… I'm okay. But thanks."

I was scared, all of a sudden. Words weren't coming outof my mouth.

Scared of a dog. "Spiderdog" Huh. Would webs shoot out of his paws? I didn't understand. How does a dog become that. And then I realizad. How close Peter was to the dog. He was weird. It hit me. Maybe Peter had bit him.

"Spider bites man…"

Spiderdog continued gritting his teeth. Staring right at me.

"Man bites dog… "

I didn't even see it coming. All I felt was a big chunk of my left breast being bit.

"Dog bites girl…" Girl becomes Spidergirl?


	6. Body dysmorphia

I opened my eyes to the clearest image of a star-filled sky, not knowing – or caring - when or where. I just took a moment to admire the pretty lights. So close. Closer than I had ever known possible.

I felt good. I didn't know why. But I felt good. I was breathing with perfect ease. Feeling, actually feeling, the oxygen brushing in and out of my nostrils like a quiet fart. Except the smell was beautiful. It was life.

I raised my arm, reaching for the stars. They were so close and so vivid I thought of myself a giant. Or a God. What have I become? What am I?

I took a star, cupped it with my fingers. Studied it. It was sticky. Dirty. Flat.

I looked out the window to my side. It was night. I looked back up. A starfield ceiling. Oh God, where am I? I flicked a switch on the wall. The room lit up.

A dorm room. And a GAY ARNOLD! poster on the wall. His dorm room.

I jumped out of bed, completely nude. My legs were shaking, though not as bad as my head. What is happening? Dark thoughts entered my mind. Had something entered my body? Peter Parker. Spiderman. That dog. Spiderdog.

I looked down at my naked body. I couldn't believe what I saw. I ran to the floor mirror by the wall to look at myself. My slender, feminine body was gone.

My breasts had tripled in size. My shoulders were so wide they didn't even fit in the mirror, making them look infinite. Veins and bulges on my arms resembled the plans for a dangerous rollercoaster. Legs that were disgusting, period. And worst of all, my clitoris. I had only seen this once before. A wrestler who went by the name Chyna. But I think mine was even bigger. It was me, but it was not me. It was me in steroids.

What… the… fuck… is going on?


	7. The Transformation

Steps outside the door announced the coming of _him_. And thus my cue to jump back to bed, immediately hiding my horrible, horrible body under the covers.

Peter Parker walked in with a most terrifying grin framed by a chocolate milk mustache. He carried a plate of eggs and bacon in one hand and a half glass of chocolate milk in the other. I was hungry. Very hungry, I suddenly realized. But I was also wary of the whole scene. I didn't know if he was offering, or – as I noticed the rocking chair by my side – if he had brought snacks to a staring session. Maybe even worse.

Peter realized I was awake. His eyes and mouth widened. As did mine.

Maybe even_ Sleeping Beauty. _

This man is a deviant and I'm in his bed the bed where he probably Oh God I don't know what he probably but I can't move because right now being in this wretched bed is better than him seeing my horrible, horrible body.

"Europe! Europe! Europe!" Peter rushed towards me, dropping bits and pieces of bacon to the ground. I cringed and held the covers firmly to my neck. That'll keep the bad man away from me.

"I brought breakfast!"

I took a quick glance at the alarm clock by my side. 10: 43 PM. This was his first lie. I SMH lightly, pretending not to be hungry. Even though I was. But I couldn't take the risk of being perpetually roofied.

"You must eat, Vanessa? Ha ha ha. Can I call you Vanessa? I don't know your name! Isn't that funny? We've known each other for 10 days and you still haven't told me your name!" Geesh, 10 days? As far as I could remember, I'd known him for a few hours. And it still felt like last night.

"Oh silly Vanessa! Don't worry! I've been taking care of you! It's all cool All cool. It's all part of _The Transformation_."

"_The Transformation_?" I finally mustered up the courage to ask, even though I was more scared than ever.

"Yes. _The Transformation_. Don't you remember? Spiderdog bit you."

I raised the covers and looked down at my horrible, horrible body. Then I noticed my gigantic left breast, and a small scar under it. Shivers.

"What is happening to me?"

"You're becoming a spider-man. Like me! Well, not a spider-man. Ha ha ha. A spider-girl."

"My body is changing."

"Ah, yes. Your body. That happens. Before the spider bit me I used to be a scrawny little teenage kid. Half the girls thought I was icky and the other half thought I was one of them. But it all changed for the better. Look."

He lifted his shirt. I was camp icky, but the 8-pack did help make him a bit more attractive. Too bad the spider hadn't done anything to fix his face.

"Ain't all these muscles cool? Now lemme see your body. Lemme see."

"No."

"Lemme see how much you've changed."

"No."

"Lemme see all your muscles."

"No!" I snapped. "What did you do to me? Make it stop. Please. Make it stop. I want look normal again."

"Normal? Ha ha ha. Don't you understand? There's no such thing as normal anymore. Not for you. You and I, we're the same now."

I shaked my head, almost in tears.

"We're spiders."

And then it happened. I must've screamed at the top of my lungs, harder than ever, harder than I thought humanly possible. But I'm honestly not even sure I did. All I know is that he and I both got the first taste of my superpowers, as web slings were propelled out of my mouth and directly into his. I thought of the repercussions this could have later on, how maybe on some level, he would twist this into some sort of sick spider version of a French kiss. But for a moment, I was just happy I had gagged and shut him up completely.

Maybe this won't be so bad after all.


End file.
